i’m happy.
could you imagine how it feels to love someone. love someone with your whole heart. do the whole thing. the whole thing of caring about them, hanging out with them more and more, missing them when they’re not around… yeah? how about doing all of that and more? loving them more than anything, loving them to the point where it hurts not being around them, loving them to the point where you wouldn’t know who to be, where to go, what to do without them? your whole life is them. could you imagine how it feels to love someone like that? with no hesitation. to love someone despite how they treat you, to love someone despite what anyone else around you thinks of them… have you loved someone like that? well, if you have, then you understand. you get it. you know what it’s like to scratch and claw and fight your way to making sure they’re happy, to making sure they’re safe, to making sure you do whatever in your power to maintain the relationship no matter how harsh it can get at some points.
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I hope you’re okay. I really do. I hope you’re happy and safe and loved. I hope you have friends and your family’s okay and are healthy and you’re doing well in school and you’re appreciating everything that’s in your life… everything that’s making you happy. I hope you’re not dwelling on the past and you’re good where you’re at. I hope there’s no animosity in your life. no feeling of bitterness in your mind. I hope you’re loved. I really hope you’re loved. loved exactly the way you’ve always wanted. because if I couldn’t provide that love… it’s good to know that someone can.
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I’m proud of who I ended up being when I was with you. though I can’t say that for the whole time we’ve been together… I can truly say that i’ve worked to become someone respectful, honest, and loving. It’s truthfully hard to not feel mad sometimes that I can’t be with you. I’ll be honest. It makes me feel worthless sometimes that even with the work I put in and the person I became I was still unable to be forgiven, respected, and loved.
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I’m coming around to understanding that we just weren’t meant to be. as close sometimes as it would seem to be, we just didn’t fully belong. your birthday was the other day and it was hard to not have you in my mind, thinking of you… wondering if you’re okay, if you’re happy. wondering if you had your family around to celebrate or if you had your friends or if your person did what he was supposed to do and made you feel loved, appreciated, and happy. I’ll be honest. I do really miss you sometimes but sometimes I try to ignore that feeling because of how horrible you made me feel at the end. But I do. I miss you and I hope you’re happy. that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, so if you are…
I’m happy.
