grieving.

I’m grieving you.

Still.

The countless times that I’ve lost you and found you again, grieving you feels like it should be a part of my life now.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me.

genuinely.

I wonder if you sit with yourself and wonder what I’m doing the way I have with you.

I wonder if you’ve completely moved on and if you’re okay with this new change in your life. if you were completely okay with leaving…

if you yourself were ever grieving…

The inside of myself feels like it’s bleeding…

this consistent internal wound that has me constantly feeling like I’ll only ever be doomed.

doomed to failure

doomed to never doing my complete best

doomed that i’ll truly never be able to find success

doomed to forever be in love with you in an unhealthy way, knowing you’ll never love me again the way i pray.

I miss you.

still.

If i ever saw you again i don’t know what id do

and that’s the honest truth.

I’m not sure if i’d try and talk to you.

i’m not sure if your presence and all that you are to me would hurt knowing all that you currently aren’t to me.

I envision myself in a perfect world with you by my side. giving you everything i am and receiving your love too. knowing that no matter what even if i lose… i lose knowing i still have you.

but that’s in a perfect world.

where you’re not leaving

where we both never took the emotional beatings

where i’m not grieving…

where i’m not crying any and every time a smell, tv show, place, or person reminds me of you.

cause they’re not you.

and you’re not here anymore.

and it’s time to be honest with myself in saying i wish you were.

you were mine.

my girl.

but in a world that’s so flawed, having you in my life still could only happen in a perfect world.

So here I am.

Trying my best to be in the process of healing

but unable to get over you

unable to stop

grieving.